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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2005|09:15 pm]
Very Neptune

They wanted to keep me in the hospital for a couple more days, but I was able to convince Dad that I would be better off at home. He had to argue with the doctors and I have a feeling it wasn't totally above the board, but either way they released me. Duncan stayed at my side the entire time and shielded me away from the photographers who were scoping out the hospital parking lot. I wanted to go after them, but hiding away in the back of the limo worked too.

Mom was there but she kept her distance from me. We barely looked at each other, so we damn sure didn't exchange words. In fact, the drive back to the house was pretty much made in silence. Dad looked like he wanted to say something to me but every time he would clear his throat, Duncan would shoot him a glare and that would be that. The limo parked as close to the door as it could and I bolted inside. I went straight for my room and locked the door behind me. If Donut wanted in, he had a key, but I had no use for my parents right now.

I thought about calling Veronica or even Logan, but I pushed those thoughts away quickly. There was nothing left to say to either of them and I needed to just face that I was going to have to move on without them. At least I wasn't alone. I could maybe spin the gossip at school in my favor, but no matter what I had Duncan on my side and of course there was Weevil. Weevil. I needed to call him and have him sneak in. He's the one I wanted to see because he's the only one, outside of Donut, who still cares about me. I was a little surprised that after my stunt on the bridge, Weevil didn't run for cover. I guess he decided I was worth tolerating or something. Of course I was worth. I'm Lilly Kane. People either want to be me or date me, even if it means they may someday end up on top of a bridge hoping for things to just end.

I found my cell phone and dialed Weevil's number, frowning when his voice mail came on. What was this? Why didn't he pick up when he saw it was me? Oh, school or work or something probably. It's not like he would avoid me, right? Right? "Hey baby, I'm home. I was hoping to see you. You can use the fire escape up to my window and I'll let you in."

I hung up the phone and tossed it to the other end of the bed. This was the first day of the rest of my life and so far it was sucking a lot.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2005|05:40 pm]
Very Neptune
[mood |crazycrazy]

There must be a rule or something that does not allow you to kiss your girlfriend’s best friends-slash-sister, or at least there should be a book about how bad all that can end out. And if there’s no book then I should write one, probably would earn millions at that too, because, really, who else do you ask if not me? Look how my little adventure ended. With my girlfriend or ex or whatever in hospital after a false suicide attempt and me now being confused about my feeling towards both – Lilly and Veronica.

Do I want her? That’s the easiest part of the question, the hard part is – which one of them do I want? Or rather, which one more? I never thought that there will be a day when I will want Veronica the way I do now and that is just not how it all was supposed to be. Not that me and Lilly breaking up was in the plan. No. It really was not.

Maybe the answer to all my questions is just in the fact I want to spite my father. Oh, yes, dear daddy did say I am not allowed to meet up with any of the Kanes, that there is a reason enough to want them. Hell, that probably would be reason enough even to want Duncan if that is what it comes to. Though, so far I’m confused enough with wanting two of the Kane siblings, I don’t need the third one in the mix too.

Where exactly wil all this lead? The me and Lilly and the me and Veronica and the Lilly and veronica? Does anyone even have a clue? Damn, I really hope at least someone knows, because honestly I have no idea what will happen, not that I ever really have known what will or will not happen.

I asked Veronica to come over because... because I don’t know. Because she said that we can’t, no, she can’t talk about this over the phone whatever in hell this is. So now I’m waiting her to come over and I can feel the catastrophe coming. Can’t you? At least, this time Lilly won’t find us kissing. Not that I am planning on any kissing. No.

Damn it.

Alright, I will try and not do any kissing, because around Veronica? Lately it seems impossible to control myself. Is that normal? Is anything around here normal? I am having trouble to tell what is and what is not normal anymore. Life’s screwed, don’t you think?
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loose lips sink ships [Aug. 3rd, 2005|12:55 am]
Very Neptune
“Leticia,” I called out, walking into the kitchen with a smile plastered on my face. I always smiled, even when I was at home -- especially when I was at home. The vultures were always there, just outside the property lines, circling; sometimes, if I turned my head in just the right direction as the sun slanted down on one of our bushes at just the right angle, I could catch the glint of brightness reflecting from a camera lens. They could see everything, caught it all on film.

If I went anywhere without Aaron, I’d been checked into rehab. If I went anywhere with Logan, our family was torn apart at the seams. When photographed together, we were the ideal family, beautiful and successful and famous and half the time all of this was in the same issue of the Star.

It never failed to surprise me how, with all of their prying eyes, they managed to miss the kind of monster that Aaron really was. That they could hear the cracks of fine Italian leather as it lashed across Logan’s back. But then again, maybe it wasn’t so surprising. Even I could hardly hear it anymore.

“Leticia, have you gotten them?” I couldn’t keep the slight sharpness out of my voice as she looked up at me guiltily, drying her hands quickly on her pristine white apron.

“You know I don’t like doing this, Mrs. Echolls,” she answered fretfully, making her way across the room to a briefcase that was set on top of the counter. “I wish you wouldn’t make me do this every week.”

I arched an eyebrow and reached out a delicately manicured hand to pluck the briefcase from her grasp. “It’s hardly illegal, Letty,” I answered, feeling my lips curve in genuine amusement. “Bourgeois, maybe, but I’m sure we can stand up to the scrutiny.” I turned on my heel and made my way quickly to the living room, where a sweating tumbler of vodka-tonic sat poised on the coffee table.

This was the sort of thing one needed liquid courage (numbness) to face. I propped the briefcase up onto the table and clicked it open carefully, using caution to avoid chipping my nail polish. As I raised the lid, I saw Logan’s face, smiling, in glossy newsprint and I let out a long breath.

Aaron was always splashed across the covers of these tabloids, his exploits described in seventy-two point bold font with exclamation points and arrows and details. He hated that I read them, insisted that if there was anything worth worrying about, his agent would take care of it.

He probably read them all himself, though. Probably had one of the other servants out every Wednesday morning, same as I sent Leticia, though I’m sure his readings were done in secret. Like his affairs, or so he believed.

I knew why he didn’t want me reading them. He didn’t want me to find out, to believe -- but I already knew. At least half of the women pictured with him were actual mistresses, and tawdry as these publications are, there’s a little bit of truth in every lie. I should have known better than to marry Aaron Echolls. I should have realized that being his first mistress didn’t exactly mean that I was destined to be the last, or that, just because he swore he loved me... he meant it.

But today’s headlines had little to do with Aaron, the photos gracing the covers of the Star, the Enquirer, even US, they were all Logan Echolls.


I heard footsteps in the hallway and I hurriedly closed and locked the briefcase, setting it on the ground beside the couch. Aaron was not going to be pleased.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2005|04:02 pm]
Very Neptune
[mood |stressedstressed]

Aren't I popular? Haven't got this many voice mails since the last time dad got scandalous affair with his co-star. I wonder if all these journalists really believe I will call them back, I mean, get a life people, just because you ask how did I get my girlfriend to a suicide attempt doesn't mean I will call you back and tell.

I have to say, Duncan's very lucky that his voice mail was one of the first ones, because really, after the 15th question about Lillian Kane I just threw the cell phone against a wall. There's just so much a person can take. And my limit ended yesterday while trying to get back home, through the press.

I wonder about what Duncan said... Lilly throw Veronica out as well, no big surprise there, really, still, I would have thought they would make it through, sisters and whatnot. I wonder who should I call first, Duncan or Veronica, or maybe neither as dad told me to keep away from the Kanes. Right. Veronica it is.

Why? Well, frankly, because if I have to pick between my best friend who's girlfriend I kissed and the said girlfriend, somehow, Veronica seems to be the one who will be less complicated. But I'm sure I'm wrong. I mostly am when it concerns one of the Kane siblings.

Walking to the living room, I pick up the phone and dial Veronica's number. I'm not sure if this is the smartest move to do, but I really can't bother to consider it now. Neither I have bothered to consider what to tell her. Seriously, what am I going to say? Sorry I kissed you? Sorry that my kiss made your sister nearly jump off a bridge? Sorry I seem to fuck everything up?

It takes good three rings before she answers, and I froze for a moment when I hear her voice. What am I supposed to say? I wonder if there's a book written about situations like this, I bet there is, under the section with the silliest love novels ever, the type that is read by old ladies that has no life. Yes, I bet we're there. Where else could we be? We definitely fit the description of fucked up lovers...

"Hey, it's me," Yes, that really isn't one of my best lines ever, but what did you expect, this is a stress situation and all. Isn't it? So all you can expect from me now is a good stress situation related behavior. That's all.
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look at the way this gun fits the crook of your arm [Jul. 8th, 2005|07:46 am]
Very Neptune

I used to wake up every single morning thinking that I was the luckiest guy on the planet. I had a beautiful wife, the greatest daughter in the world, and a job I cared about going to; so we weren’t rich like the Kanes or the Echolls. All the elements of a happy family were there, so who needed a mansion with an ocean view? Our little two-story on Topanga Boulevard suited me just fine.

Now the wife is gone, the daughter might not even be mine biologically, and frankly? One out of three sucks.

It’s not as though I love Veronica any less. Whether she's my biological child or not, she's my daughter, and I'm never going to turn my back on her. No matter who she makes out with, or who almost jumps off a bridge because of her. Speaking of which, I need to have a little talk with that Echolls kid. Perhaps in an interrogation room.

Make it clear that I don’t care one bit about genetics, and what I do care about is keeping my daughter safe. Remind him that I have a gun on me at all times. Pretty much the same speech I gave to Duncan when he started taking Veronica out, though I want this one to pack a little more “oomph.” Aside from the fact that Duncan’s behavior’s never driven a girl to a... how’d they put it on the news? “Precarious perch on the top of the Coronado Bridge?” Aside from that, Duncan hardly seemed like the kind of kid I needed to worry about taking advantage of my daughter.

And if the DNA tests come back the way that I’m frankly praying that they don’t? Thank God for small favors. Unfortunately, Logan’s always seemed a little less reliable than Duncan in that department, and considering Veronica’s new change in appearance and attitude?

I choose to worry. I always told Veronica that I could look into a boy’s eyes and see his true intentions. She never took me seriously, but I think it’s time to impress upon her the reality of the situation. Because I do not approve.

And I’m a dad with a firearm.
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(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2005|08:52 pm]
Very Neptune

The time between Logan's haisty departure from Lilly's room and Veronica's repeat performance. The same hunched shoulders, only I think Logan's stature was more of a defeated nature than Veronica's. I wasn't so sure I liked any of this, If Lilly had something to upset both Logan and Veronica where did that leave me? I didn't want to be in the middle but I wasn't willing to turn my back on any of them. Logan's my best friend, he's always been there for me no matter what. Lilly's my sister and the closest person in the world to me. And Veronica ... Well that was still complicated but I cared about her.

When dad came back out of Lilly's room saying she wanted to see Weevil it took me five minutes to calm him down, and after Weevil slipped into Lilly's room I had to force him to chill out and not bardge in. Personally? I'd rather have Weevil in there than my dad or my mom. Granted I'd rather be in there and keep everyone else out, but my dad even convinced me to head home and get showered and changed.

I realized I was still in my soccer uniform and sighed before begrudgingly heading home with Clarence Weidman's cell phone number just in case I ran into any problems with reporters on the way home or back.

I had to keep myself from going to Logan's after I'd been showered and changed; Instead I called him, but he didn't answer. One of his infamous messages echoed in my ear.

"Hey, It's me. I'm just heading back to the hospital and I ... I wanted to see if you were ok, you left and then Veronica went in to see her and she left just as upset and I haven't talked to Lilly and I don't know what's going on. Just ... I don't know just call me back ok."

I was tempted to call Veronica as well but decided against it, our last conversation left a bitter taste in my mouth and somewhere along the line we just had lost track of what to say or do around each other. I wondered if it happened when I found out she's my sister and broke up with her or if it happened when she kissed Logan.

Instead I just headed back to the hospital and settled into the waiting room. The last thing I wanted to do was walk in on Lilly and a heartfelt conversation with the leader of the PCH Biker Gang.

So I crossed my arms over my chest and sat in an uncomfortable hospital chair next to my mother, who, as it seems had finally decided to show up and appear to give a damn about her daughter all the sudden. She tried talking to me but I just tuned her out and let my thoughts wander.

Lilly would make it through all this, she had to. She was Lilly.
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it's a bitter pill [Jun. 29th, 2005|08:59 pm]
Very Neptune

[mood |anxiousanxious]

There is something about the word 'shouldn't' that makes a person do stupid things. For instance, I shouldn't have kissed Logan -- or, well, fine. Technically he kissed me, but I kissed him back and it didn't mean nothing. It meant freedom from Duncan, release from reality, and an escape from the tyrannical regime that is Lilly Kane. I shouldn't have kissed Logan, but I did and he tasted like rum and it was delicious and sweet.

Stupid and wrong, yes, but delicious. And sweet.

And I want more of it. It's already cost me my friendship with Lilly, so what else have I got to lose? The things that Lilly said to me were cruel, and the things that I said back to her were just as bad. And when I get back to my car, all I can think about is how unbelievably terrible this week his been.

Except for Logan.

But honestly, that was just one thing. One microscopic and insignificant event that left me weak in the knees while the rest of my world crashed around me. Lilly hates me for my sudden feelings for Logan that, while not love, are certainly full of lust and far more than friendship. Teenaged hormones are a-raging.

And Duncan's certainly never going to look at me the same way again, and Logan might be down a best friend and it probably isn't worth it. Logan and I were never all that close. Now our tongues are a lot closer than our minds, and I wonder if Lilly's right about Logan, and if I'm just a cheap copy of her. But no. I'm nothing like Lilly, and I know that because there was a point when I'd wanted to be her more than anything else in the world.

Now? All we have in common is blood and a boy who kisses like he's got nothing better to do, ever. A boy who apparently chose me over her and I know that there's no way that she can stand that.

I'm gripping the steering wheel so hard that my entire hands, not just my knuckles, are white. And I'm shaking as I turn the key. It's so fucking hard to concentrate on driving, which is insane. Insane. I throw the car into drive anyway, and focus. Focus. I'm driving probably twenty miles under the speed limit and I can hear horns honking like crazy behind me. But what do they want me to do?

Crash into a telephone pole?

I look into my mirror reflexively, in search of Aaron Echolls's eyes, but I see only my reflection and when I glance back down I see a squirrel darting across the road. I slam on my breaks, and the sounds of horns blaring starts anew.

It's a miracle that I make it back to my house safely. I take a deep breath before sliding out of the car and walking into my house; I note that my mother's car is gone, and I wonder where she went. I find that I don't much care, not after what she did to me and Dad.

"Hey, honey." Dad is sitting on the couch, watching the news. Lilly's near-fall and Dad's miraculous save is being replayed, and he's watching it with blank eyes. I drop my keys onto the partition between the hallway and kitchen, and join him on the sofa. He turns the television off and turns to me.

"Hey, dad." My bag thumps to the floor and I sink back into the cushions, exhausted. It has been a long day. "Mom gone?"

He nods exhaustedly and turns to face me on the couch. "As of five thirty-nine p.m., I am officially a single parent. I'm sorry, Veronica." I push myself forward on the couch and wrap my arms around his neck.

"What are you sorry for? You didn't turn Mom into a cheating hussy." I smile weakly and pull back. Yeah. Because that's the right thing to say. He grimaces, and looks at me with a strange expression.

"You know, I really should be telling you not to talk about your mother that way." Then he shrugs uneasily and my father looks different than he looked yesterday. Then again, I probably do, too. "But it's been a long day and you have the right to invoke your freedom of speech. How's Lilly?"

I shrug unhelpfully. "I almost drove her to jump off a bridge. She says sorry, by the way, but she hates me."

"I'm sure she'll get over it." I shake my head, because he's wrong about this one. Lilly won't get over it. She's Lilly. I've seen her hold grudges for far longer with people that she hadn't caught making out with Logan. People who she'd just caught looking at her the wrong way, or people who wouldn't let her cheat off their history test.

"I don't think Lilly's in a particularly forgiving mood right now." Can I blame her? No. Do I blame her? No... to an extent.

"Veronica," he says, uncomfortably. I look up at him in alarm, wondering what he could possibly have to say to me right now with that tone of voice. "Veronica, exactly what were you doing with Logan that had Lilly up on a bridge ready to plunge to her death?"

I blink at him and there is a long and pregnant pause. "Dad."

"Veronica," he echoes. Oh boy. He means business. I open my mouth and he cuts me off before I can answer him. "I'll know if you're lying to me."

I tilt my head at him, annoyed. Well. If he's going to know that I'm lying to him. "It's alright, Dad. You caught me. We were engaged in passionate intercourse in the Echolls kitchen."

His jaw drops; he is looking at me, aghast. I smirk. Case in point. "Chill, dad. It was a kiss."

"A kiss not involving intercourse in any way, shape or form?" Dad looks relieved and I lean forward to kiss his cheek.

"As chaste as the day is long." He breathes a deep sigh of relief and turns the television back on, not looking at me.


"Go to your room, Veronica." I stand up, grabbing my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. He goes back to staring blankly at CNN, and I avoid the glare of the screen.

"On it." I cross in front of the television, but he barely notices. I wish there were something I could say to make him feel better, but my inner turmoil is boiling to the surface and there's really nothing I can do to fix it. Aside from waking up from another bad dream -- I pinch myself, just in case -- which is seeming like a dimmer and dimmer possibility, it doesn't seem like this nightmare is going to end.

As soon as I get into my room, I drop to my bed and sprawl out on my back. I roll over to pull my cell from my bag and go into the phone book to find Logan's name, but I can't bring myself to dial it. I think that we have too much to talk about and I'm afraid of what Lilly said to him.

Instead, I set my ring volume as loud as it'll go and set it beside my pillow. Just because I'm not calling Logan doesn't mean that he isn't going to call me.
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(no subject) [Jun. 27th, 2005|11:54 am]
Very Neptune
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Ben Folds - Landed]

And I thought you can't ground your kids when they're nearly 18 years old. Of course, Aaron Echolls can. I'm sure he's assured he can do whatever he likes and never think of consequences. I mean, I need to think of them, not him. Of course. Also, I have to give him that this is one of his best punishments so far. I mean, yeah sure, he has been beating me up as long as I can remember myself and still being locked in a house is much more... annoying.

And this is also very unfair. My girlfriend, wait, make that ex-girlfriend, is in a hospital, of course, she did make it clear that she had no wish to see me. Ever again. Still, I would want to know how she is. Of course, being locked in a house isn't allowing me much of an action.

Believe me, it's awful when you're grounded in a house and your only entertainment is Trina. For someone who claims to be in entertaining business she's awful. Not that that's surprise. She has, after all, got her acting talent from dad and as much as he wouldn't play the caring father in real life, his movies would get much more money if he would do half as good act on screen.

See, if I was thirteen years old girl, I might now be writing my life story in a nice, pink diary, but as I'm not? There's not much to do. I am considering the best way out of here, of course, to actually get out I would need a car. A good one as it's a challenge to get through the journalists that are still standing by the gate.

If this was any other time but now? I would call Lilly or Duncan and ask to pick me up, but that really is not a possibility now, is it? Besides, where would I go? I can't go to the hospital as Lilly made it clear I am not welcomed there. Maybe I should call Veronica, but then again, I'm not all that sure what to tell her.

All this is so damn complicated and I haven't even got a clue when it became so. We with Lilly always fight, so how did this time turn so much differential and screwed up? Because I kissed Veronica. Who's Lilly's best friend. And sister. Was that it? Was all this because I kissed Veronica? And damn it, if it's so, shouldn't I feel sorry? Because I'm not. I'm sorry for many things but kissing Veronica isn't on the list.

And now I'm broken up with Lilly for good, and damn that hurts. It's not like this isn't for the best, because it is, God knows all we ever did was hurt each other and I doubt that will change now that we're officially broken up, if anything? Now the hurting will start anew. Because that's Lilly. And as much as I would love her, I just can't bring myself care as much as I should.

So here I am, walking around the house, doing next to nothing at all. All this is so fucked that I don't even know where to start to pick all the pieces up. Don't even know if I should.
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(no subject) [Jun. 26th, 2005|01:43 pm]
Very Neptune

I was doing an amazing job at clearing the room. Two for two and I'd managed to send Logan and Veronica out of my room at the same time I kicked them out of my life. Each time I felt my heart break, but I was determined not to show it. There was only one more person that I needed to see and I knew the only way I could get Weevil inside this was room was to talk to my father.

Jake Kane entered my room and looked as shaken as Duncan had earlier. Did my father really fear losing me? I wanted to believe he did, but honestly he was probably scared of the publicity this was causing his precious company. His precious reputation. I noticed my mother hadn't even bothered to make an appearance. Nice.

"I want to see Weevil. I'm going to call him and you're going to have it cleared for him to see me." It wasn't a request and he knew it. I was demanding and I was prepared to fight if he forced my hand. I wouldn't fight fair either. I'd call Duncan in to help.

"You need to rest, Sweetheart.." My dad said in a tone so gentle that it reminded me of the time I had my tonsils out and he sat up with me all night after they released me from the hospital.

"I want to see Weevil now. I'm not going to rest until I've had a chance to talk to him. So, give him the okay to see me or I'm calling the reporters." I snapped out the threat with a vicious tone. I was in no mood to debate the issue with my father.

"Alright." He wearily agreed as he left the room. Picking up my cell phone, I dialed Weevil's number. "I need to see you. They'll let you up." I quickly gave him the information before he could get a word in edgewise and hung up before he could refuse to see me.

Now all I could do was wait and see if he would actually show up. I was on a roll and part of me wondered if this would make three for three. The strangest thing was, I didn't want to push Weevil away. Even though I knew I needed too.
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owe it all to frank sinatra [Jun. 25th, 2005|03:09 pm]
Very Neptune

I don't know what to say to Duncan. Nothing that I say could possibly make him feel better; well, there are a few key phrases that might catch is attention, such as "I had a paternity test done. We're not related," or "I promise to never kiss Logan again. Ever." But my dad's probably got a paternity test in the mail, and I'm unwilling to make a promise that I might not keep. And that's awful. We've all been through something traumatic and I can't promise Duncan that I'll keep my hands off of his best friend.

Well, at least I'm honest with myself. Even if I'm not proud of myself.

I bite my lip and look up at Duncan again, but he isn't looking at me. I follow his gaze, and there is Logan, storming out from Lilly's room and looking for all the world like he's about to fall apart. He is the physical embodiment of my emotions and I glance at Duncan frantically. "I have to go in there, Duncan." I'm surprised when he doesn't argue, just sighs resignedly and cocks his head toward her room.

I dash over. My heart is racing and it seems to take forever for me to reach her room, and Jake Kane stands up wearily and calls my name. I don't listen, of course. I don't understand what his problem with me is, really. I wasn't the one who spilled his secret. I wasn't the one who slept with my mother and then pretended that the timing was off. I wasn't the one who let his son date his daughter and never said a word.

I can hear the sobs as I start to walk into the room without knocking, and she doesn't have a chance to wipe her tear streaked eyes before I see her. I've never seen her look so vulnerable, so hurt. I can't decide whether it's because of me or if it's all Logan's fault, or if she's maybe finally taking some of the blame for her own mistakes. It doesn't really matter.

"Lilly," I say, after standing there for the longest fifteen seconds of my life. "Are you okay?"

She hates me. And I almost can't blame her.
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