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Very Neptune

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owe it all to frank sinatra [Jun. 25th, 2005|03:09 pm]
Very Neptune

very_neptune

[veronicamars]
I don't know what to say to Duncan. Nothing that I say could possibly make him feel better; well, there are a few key phrases that might catch is attention, such as "I had a paternity test done. We're not related," or "I promise to never kiss Logan again. Ever." But my dad's probably got a paternity test in the mail, and I'm unwilling to make a promise that I might not keep. And that's awful. We've all been through something traumatic and I can't promise Duncan that I'll keep my hands off of his best friend.

Well, at least I'm honest with myself. Even if I'm not proud of myself.

I bite my lip and look up at Duncan again, but he isn't looking at me. I follow his gaze, and there is Logan, storming out from Lilly's room and looking for all the world like he's about to fall apart. He is the physical embodiment of my emotions and I glance at Duncan frantically. "I have to go in there, Duncan." I'm surprised when he doesn't argue, just sighs resignedly and cocks his head toward her room.

I dash over. My heart is racing and it seems to take forever for me to reach her room, and Jake Kane stands up wearily and calls my name. I don't listen, of course. I don't understand what his problem with me is, really. I wasn't the one who spilled his secret. I wasn't the one who slept with my mother and then pretended that the timing was off. I wasn't the one who let his son date his daughter and never said a word.

I can hear the sobs as I start to walk into the room without knocking, and she doesn't have a chance to wipe her tear streaked eyes before I see her. I've never seen her look so vulnerable, so hurt. I can't decide whether it's because of me or if it's all Logan's fault, or if she's maybe finally taking some of the blame for her own mistakes. It doesn't really matter.

"Lilly," I say, after standing there for the longest fifteen seconds of my life. "Are you okay?"

She hates me. And I almost can't blame her.
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[User Picture]From: lillian_kane
2005-06-25 08:20 pm (UTC)
That had to be the stupidest question anyone has ever asked me, but leave it to Veronica to make it sound like she really cared. That was the thing, she did care, and I knew that. I knew that no matter what had happened, she cared because we were in each other's blood long before we became sisters. I grabbed the kleenex text to the bed and attempted to make all traces of the tears disappear.

"I'm perfect." I said, but my voice was nothing but monotone. I was so tired and honestly this day couldn't get worse. "I'm sorry...your dad he didn't deserve what I did to him." Might as well apologize for what I feel guiltiest for. "He saved me. Thank him for me."

I should do it myself, but I figured I was the last person in the world that Keith Mars wanted to see with the exception of maybe Veronica's mom and my parents. I sniffed and looked over at her. "He chose you. You can leave now."
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[User Picture]From: veronicamars
2005-06-25 08:41 pm (UTC)
I have never seen Lilly like this. At Logan's house, I could doubt the validity of her tears, but now was different. She was honestly hurt the way I'd never seen her and if it had been anybody else who'd caused her pain, I would have found a way to make sure they hurt the way that she did. Worse. But for the first time I am able to see both sides of the equation, and I can't feel anything but profoundly sorry for her.

"No, he didn't." My dad had never done anything to Lilly. Had never done anything but love his daughter unequivocally, the way that I know he loves me even now. It doesn't matter whose child I am; I am always going to be Keith's daughter and if anybody had thought about it, they would have realized. "He's the sheriff, though. It's his job."

I sit down in the chair beside the bed and cross my arms stubbornly. I'm not just leaving. She can order me out, I don't care, but if there's one thing that I've proven in the last twenty-four hours, it's that I'm no longer Lilly Kane's lapdog. "And that's why he just ran out of here without so much as a cursory goodbye." I cross my arms and look at her sternly. "Face it, Lilly. You're not getting rid of us that easily."
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[User Picture]From: lillian_kane
2005-06-25 08:57 pm (UTC)
"He went beyond his job, Veronica." I closed my eyes as the last of the tears fell. "I don't know what to say to you. What do you want from me?"

I had never felt so defeated in my life. Yeah, I got the last word with Logan, but all it did was break my heart. Logan and I were used to ripping to each other to shreds. He didn't set out to hurt me, but he'd done a damn fine job of it.

Veronica was different. We'd never really fought and I'd never hated her before. I'd never envied her before either. She was my closest friend. I used to wish we were sisters. Not that we were, it made me want to scream at the top of my lungs for her to go away.

She was right though. She wouldn't leave until she was ready to. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She looked all the world like me when I was pissed off and set in my ways. Made me wonder how no one figured it out before. Of course we were sisters. We were two sides of the same coin, she just didn't realize it yet.
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From: ronniemars
2005-06-25 09:21 pm (UTC)
I feel like I've grown up in the past couple of days; I feel so much older but I lack the wisdom to back it up. Lilly's been my best friend as long as I can remember, and this is the first time she's ever looked at me like an equal. If this is what it's like, then I'd almost rather go back to the old days.

And more than that, what do I want from Lilly? Forgiveness? I don't have anything to be sorry for. An apology? Well, I'll be sitting here for the rest of my life. "Were you really going to kill yourself because of what happened tonight?"

I'm almost certain that wasn't what I'd meant to ask her and I'm terrified that she's going to say yes. That she'd meant it all along and that it was my fault. That she'd really thought this was going on, all along. And that no matter what she says, I'm not going to know if it's the truth or not.
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[User Picture]From: lillian_kane
2005-06-25 09:38 pm (UTC)
I could deny it. Tell her it was just a stunt, but I hadn't lied to Logan and Duncan, why should I lie to my very best friend and sister? I shake my head and look up at the ceiling. Soon I'll know how many tiles are up there.

"Not exactly. I don't know. It was supposed to be a stunt. A way to make you guys pay for hurting me. Because no matter if you meant to or not, you did hurt me Veronica. I expected it from Logan, but never you. Never you."

I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and continued to avoid her gaze. Always the detective just like her old man. She was right. Genetics meant crap. Except she was more Kane than she'd ever be comfortable admitting.

"Then I was up there and I kept thinking wow it would be so easy. It would be so easy to just jump and end it because everything was fucked up. You're my sister. I fucked Weevil and liked it. Duncan is falling apart and trying to be strong when we should be helping him. You and Logan were kissing and I saw the way he looked at you. It was the way he used to look at me. Then the big stuff hit me. The stuff I kept trying to push out of my head."

I was rambling and I couldn't shut up. Because this was Veronica. The one friend I could tell everything too. The one person I trusted as much as Duncan and even if she hurt me, old habits died hard.

"Then I thought about how there was no place in this family anymore. That you'd be the favored daughter because you're good like Duncan. Another golden child and god isn't that what dad always wanted. Because as much as I could never compete with Duncan, it was different because couldn't be the Kane daughter. He couldn't take that from me, but you could and that was that. Everything that was mine was now yours and I just can't compete with you. I lose every time. I hated Mom and Dad for letting things get so fucked up and I hated you for disappointing me. Most of all, I hated myself. I hated who I am and knew that I was never going to change."
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From: ronniemars
2005-06-25 10:09 pm (UTC)
I don't know what surprises me the most. The fact that my intution was right, that Lilly'd done this for the attention or that she'd meant it at the end. That she'd almost died and hadn't meant that either; I close my eyes and sit back in the chair, unable to look at her while I let it all sink in.

Lilly and I had been best friends; up until this afternoon she would have trusted me with anything. But I didn't trust her. I didn't trust her enough to believe that maybe she'd actually tell Logan the truth. I had to take that into my own hands. I didn't even give her an hour to make good on it. "I'm sorry, Lilly."

I open my eyes and when I see her, she's sending me the dirtiest look that I've ever seen. I'm not sure if she's taking offense to my small-voiced apology or if she's just pissed that I'm interrupting her, so I purse my lips and listen to the rest of her tirade. I listen to everything until she gets to Logan, and when she brings up the way he was looking at me, I start to interrupt again. I don't even get a word out before she shoots me another glance, and she's in the hospital. Because, or partly because, of me.

She deserves her say.

When she's finished, I sit up and I try to steady my voice. "I'm not a Kane, Lilly. I would never turn my back on my dad that way, not even for --" I break off and I can't believe the things I'm thinking. I can't believe that she thinks that Logan could ever feel about me the way that he felt about Lilly, I can't believe she thinks that after sixteen years of being Veronica Mars I'm going to just embrace my alleged Kane heritage. "We love you because of who you are. This isn't a competition."

I don't know whether to laugh at the absurdity or cry because God, crying seems like the logical thing to do right now. "Lilly, I am not a Kane. I don't want to be a Kane, I'd give anything to take back your stupid secret. Why can't we just be friends?"
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[User Picture]From: lillian_kane
2005-06-25 10:21 pm (UTC)
"It's always a competition when you're a Kane, Veronica." My words are almost gentle because she doesn't understand. She really doesn't understand how things work. Why would she? She was raised by someone who actually wanted to be a parent and not by people who needed heirs.

"If you are a Kane by blood then you really don't get a vote. They won't let you get away, trust me. I've tried. Duncan's tried. It doesn't work that way."

I looked down at my hands and studied them closely. My hands that had slipped from the bridge and grabbed on to Keith's for dear life because in the end, my need to survive had kicked in. "He'll always be your father because he loves you. You're lucky. If they could prove I wasn't a Kane, they'd never speak to me again."

It was true. Even if she couldn't grasp it now, it was true. I was the biggest mistake my parents had ever made. Even my dad's potential bastard child was less of a mistake than me.

"Be friends?" I asked, looking at her like she was insane. "Be friends? After everything that has happened you want to be friends? We don't trust each other, Veronica. We'll never be friends again. The most we can hope for is that we're sisters and if I were you? I'd pray we weren't."
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From: ronniemars
2005-06-25 10:39 pm (UTC)
"Fine." I can feel my voice shaking and I don't know what the worst part about this is. I'm losing my best friend. I still have my father, I still - no. I don't have Duncan anymore, not the way that I used to. If I am a Kane, then I'm going to have to deal with it. "I didn't ask for this to happen, Lilly. I didn't go to Logan's house because I thought it was my turn."

I don't know what to say because I feel so out of control. Is this what it's like to be a Kane? To feel completely lost, like your whole world is falling apart every single second? Because that's the only thing I've felt since Lilly told me her secret. That stupid secret that ripped my life to shreds.

"I never wanted to be your sister in the first place." I'm almost screaming and I know that a nurse, or a doctor, or some other family member that I never wanted is going to be in to drag me out within seconds so I quiet down and just stare at her. She looks as broken as I feel, and for the first time I'm glad that she's hurting. I'm glad that her life is falling apart.

I never realized that I was this vindictive and hateful. "No wonder you're losing everything, Lilly. No wonder."
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[User Picture]From: lillian_kane
2005-06-25 10:46 pm (UTC)
"You didn't show up there to take him, but you did it anyway. I was on my way there to tell him the truth and you couldn't give me any time to do it. Instead you ran to Logan and you told him something I trusted you with."

My voice was shaking as I glared at her. How dare she turn this around on me. "I may have to own what I did, but don't you for a second think you're not responsible too. You're supposed to be my best friend. Best friends do not date each other's exs. You fucking slut, Veronica. The moment you found out you couldn't have Duncan because he could be your brother, you move in on my boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend. Whatever, it didn't matter. Point was, I loved him. I hope you enjoy my sloppy seconds you bitch."

I pointed to the door and arched an eyebrow. "I used to want you as a sister. I thought it would be the best thing in the world because I loved you. I wanted to some day be able to be good like you, but now I see the truth. You aren't like Duncan at all. You're more like me. A cheap imitation copy of me. Enjoy it while you can, Veronica, it's only a matter of time before Logan realizes it too. Now get the hell out of my room and don't come back."
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From: ronniemars
2005-06-25 11:04 pm (UTC)
If she wants me to feel sorry for her, she's going about it the wrong way. I'm not sorry. Just disgusted at her behavior. At my behavior. At everything that's gone on in in the last ten hours that's created this giant rift between us. "Say what you want Lilly, but it's not going to change anything. It's not going to make me hate you."

I turn around angrily on my heel and start for the door on her command, but I'm sick of being ordered around by Lilly Kane. "Don't pretend you loved him, Lilly. You have never loved anybody. I don't think you're capable of it." I narrow my eyes even as I spit out my lie. I'd loved Lilly and I knew that she'd loved me too. Once upon a time, ten hours ago.

"I wish I was wrong, but you're just upset because there might be someone in the world that Logan might love the way he loved you. Good luck, Lilly. Congratulations on ruining your life."

With that I storm out of her room, slamming the door behind me. I'm sure that Duncan and Jake are amused by my almost dead-on imitation of Logan as I storm through the waiting area, brushing the tears from my eyes. I don't care. I can't.
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