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it's a bitter pill [Jun. 29th, 2005|08:59 pm]
Very Neptune

very_neptune

[veronicamars]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

There is something about the word 'shouldn't' that makes a person do stupid things. For instance, I shouldn't have kissed Logan -- or, well, fine. Technically he kissed me, but I kissed him back and it didn't mean nothing. It meant freedom from Duncan, release from reality, and an escape from the tyrannical regime that is Lilly Kane. I shouldn't have kissed Logan, but I did and he tasted like rum and it was delicious and sweet.

Stupid and wrong, yes, but delicious. And sweet.

And I want more of it. It's already cost me my friendship with Lilly, so what else have I got to lose? The things that Lilly said to me were cruel, and the things that I said back to her were just as bad. And when I get back to my car, all I can think about is how unbelievably terrible this week his been.

Except for Logan.

But honestly, that was just one thing. One microscopic and insignificant event that left me weak in the knees while the rest of my world crashed around me. Lilly hates me for my sudden feelings for Logan that, while not love, are certainly full of lust and far more than friendship. Teenaged hormones are a-raging.

And Duncan's certainly never going to look at me the same way again, and Logan might be down a best friend and it probably isn't worth it. Logan and I were never all that close. Now our tongues are a lot closer than our minds, and I wonder if Lilly's right about Logan, and if I'm just a cheap copy of her. But no. I'm nothing like Lilly, and I know that because there was a point when I'd wanted to be her more than anything else in the world.

Now? All we have in common is blood and a boy who kisses like he's got nothing better to do, ever. A boy who apparently chose me over her and I know that there's no way that she can stand that.

I'm gripping the steering wheel so hard that my entire hands, not just my knuckles, are white. And I'm shaking as I turn the key. It's so fucking hard to concentrate on driving, which is insane. Insane. I throw the car into drive anyway, and focus. Focus. I'm driving probably twenty miles under the speed limit and I can hear horns honking like crazy behind me. But what do they want me to do?

Crash into a telephone pole?

I look into my mirror reflexively, in search of Aaron Echolls's eyes, but I see only my reflection and when I glance back down I see a squirrel darting across the road. I slam on my breaks, and the sounds of horns blaring starts anew.

It's a miracle that I make it back to my house safely. I take a deep breath before sliding out of the car and walking into my house; I note that my mother's car is gone, and I wonder where she went. I find that I don't much care, not after what she did to me and Dad.

"Hey, honey." Dad is sitting on the couch, watching the news. Lilly's near-fall and Dad's miraculous save is being replayed, and he's watching it with blank eyes. I drop my keys onto the partition between the hallway and kitchen, and join him on the sofa. He turns the television off and turns to me.

"Hey, dad." My bag thumps to the floor and I sink back into the cushions, exhausted. It has been a long day. "Mom gone?"

He nods exhaustedly and turns to face me on the couch. "As of five thirty-nine p.m., I am officially a single parent. I'm sorry, Veronica." I push myself forward on the couch and wrap my arms around his neck.

"What are you sorry for? You didn't turn Mom into a cheating hussy." I smile weakly and pull back. Yeah. Because that's the right thing to say. He grimaces, and looks at me with a strange expression.

"You know, I really should be telling you not to talk about your mother that way." Then he shrugs uneasily and my father looks different than he looked yesterday. Then again, I probably do, too. "But it's been a long day and you have the right to invoke your freedom of speech. How's Lilly?"

I shrug unhelpfully. "I almost drove her to jump off a bridge. She says sorry, by the way, but she hates me."

"I'm sure she'll get over it." I shake my head, because he's wrong about this one. Lilly won't get over it. She's Lilly. I've seen her hold grudges for far longer with people that she hadn't caught making out with Logan. People who she'd just caught looking at her the wrong way, or people who wouldn't let her cheat off their history test.

"I don't think Lilly's in a particularly forgiving mood right now." Can I blame her? No. Do I blame her? No... to an extent.

"Veronica," he says, uncomfortably. I look up at him in alarm, wondering what he could possibly have to say to me right now with that tone of voice. "Veronica, exactly what were you doing with Logan that had Lilly up on a bridge ready to plunge to her death?"

I blink at him and there is a long and pregnant pause. "Dad."

"Veronica," he echoes. Oh boy. He means business. I open my mouth and he cuts me off before I can answer him. "I'll know if you're lying to me."

I tilt my head at him, annoyed. Well. If he's going to know that I'm lying to him. "It's alright, Dad. You caught me. We were engaged in passionate intercourse in the Echolls kitchen."

His jaw drops; he is looking at me, aghast. I smirk. Case in point. "Chill, dad. It was a kiss."

"A kiss not involving intercourse in any way, shape or form?" Dad looks relieved and I lean forward to kiss his cheek.

"As chaste as the day is long." He breathes a deep sigh of relief and turns the television back on, not looking at me.

"Dad?"

"Go to your room, Veronica." I stand up, grabbing my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. He goes back to staring blankly at CNN, and I avoid the glare of the screen.

"On it." I cross in front of the television, but he barely notices. I wish there were something I could say to make him feel better, but my inner turmoil is boiling to the surface and there's really nothing I can do to fix it. Aside from waking up from another bad dream -- I pinch myself, just in case -- which is seeming like a dimmer and dimmer possibility, it doesn't seem like this nightmare is going to end.

As soon as I get into my room, I drop to my bed and sprawl out on my back. I roll over to pull my cell from my bag and go into the phone book to find Logan's name, but I can't bring myself to dial it. I think that we have too much to talk about and I'm afraid of what Lilly said to him.

Instead, I set my ring volume as loud as it'll go and set it beside my pillow. Just because I'm not calling Logan doesn't mean that he isn't going to call me.
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