I don't remember falling asleep; I'd been staring at the frosting-like texture of the plaster on my ceiling for practically hours and when I finally drifted off, I could still see the rough ripples dancing across my eyelids. I've had far more interesting dreams, but after the day I've had I'm grateful for the respite. It isn't until I feel the shrill (though muffled) sound of my cell phone ringing that I realize I've been asleep and I thrust my hand under my pillow to retrieve the receiver.
I freeze momentarily, looking at his name flashing across the screen. Logan's Cell. Okay, so Logan's calling me. I glance at the clock, and it's a completely reasonable hour and it's Logan. I hurriedly press the talk button and bring el Sidekick to my ear. "Hello?"
My air of nonchalance, non-exhaustion, fails miserably and I wonder if he can tell that he woke me up. I wonder if he realizes that I don't actually care. "How are you?" I ask cautiously, struggling to push myself up one-handed. Stupid question, but he was the one who felt the need to identify himself when I answered the phone. Besides. He was probably on part with me, emotionally.
After all, we had everything else in common.
How am I? Well, that's a grand question. How am I? How can I be with everything that is happening, has happened and will happen? I don't picture the answer is that I feel well, nice and shiny. Anything but, really. Then again, I doubt she feels any better and why? Because of that kiss, or more like, the outcome of the kiss. The Lilly outcome. Doubt either of us could feel anything but shit in this situation.
"Probably just as good as you are," I sigh sitting down. All this is just twisted. Since when are we with Veronica calling each other to check up with how the other one is? Well, fine, it's me doing the calling, but I'm sure if I wouldn't have sooner or later she'd call me. Weird how that one has turned out.
"What did she say to you?" I wonder if she said Veronica something as painful as what she said to me. Knowing Lilly, she might have, but then again, she probably got off enough with me already, still, Duncan had said that Veronica had left Lilly's room just as fast as I have. So what did she tell Veronica? Somehow, I hope it was nothing as painful as what she said to me. Veronica doesn't deserve that. It wasn't her fault of how this turned out. Well, much.
Still, I blame myself more than her. After all, I was the one who kissed her. My fault then. Even if she did kiss me back.
I lean back against the wall uncomfortably and I reach for my pillow, drawng it into my lap and squeezing tightly. I hate Lilly for placing us in this position, though we’re really to blame; inasmuch as our actions had Lilly rushing for the highest, nearest bridge. But still. Her reaction was overdramatic even for Lilly, and these games we’re all playing are ridiculous. I want no part of them.
“Short version, she hates me.” Okay, she’d never said that. Not exactly. I sigh uncomfortably, because the things that she did say were embarassing and I’d rather not repeat them. “She thinks I...”
I trail off, my gaze falling on a picture of the four of us from homecoming. Was that really so recent? “She thinks that I stole you from her, she doesn’t --” I pause, attempting to gather my thoughts. Unsuccessfully. “She doesn’t believe that there’s nothing else going on.”
She doesn’t get that I’d never do the things that she’s suggesting. I’d never hurt Lilly. Not intentionally. I never meant for this to happen and Logan didn’t either. All I want is my friend back.
There's nothing else going on, is there? I haven't really given much of a thought what is going on besides the nothing else, Lilly has been what I've been thinking about and the kiss between me and Veronica but not about what it meant besides ruining my relationship with Lilly and ruining Veronica's friendship with Lilly. Haven't been giving much of the thought to the rest. The rest being me and Veronica.
"There isn't anything else going on, is there?" Not sure what I ask, but it seems important to ask her. I liked that kiss, no, I loved that kiss and even if I shouldn't have, I loved feeling her against me, it was something new, something unexpected. Something that I didn't know was there. So isn't there anything else going on? And if there is, what is it?
"She still will try to make our lives hell, you know?" That's a rhetorical question, because I know she knows, because both, I and Veronica, we know Lilly and know what she thinks and how she thinks. She will want revenge, even if there truthfully is not much to give it us for. One kiss. Is it worth it to ruin a friendship like our because of a kiss?
It probably is, because that kiss was more than just a kiss, and screw the nothing else that is going on, because there is something else, I just can't figure out what it is, but I am sure it is more than nothing. And I know so is she.
I suppose I’d been hoping he’d refute me. If there was nothing going on, then what, honestly, was the point of losing my friendship with Lilly? It wasn’t like we were ever going to be the fab four again; if Duncan is really my brother, I’d rather not be forced to think about all of the incestous thoughts that have flooded my mind for the past year and a half. Lilly was still going to be with Weevil, and she and Duncan would have stayed on the same side.
Kane or not, I was never going to be one of them again. Logan and I would have ended up in this position regardless and we just speeded things up a little bit with that kiss. That amazing kiss. That kiss that would further define any ideas of kissing that I may or may not have. “Maybe,” I whisper in response to his rhetorical question.
I think there’s more to that kiss than either of us is letting on, and I think that Lilly saw that. Maybe that’s why she ran away, and why she -- well, that’s beside the point. “She can only make our lives hell if we let her,” I answer, squeezing the pillow still more tightly. I don’t want to be Lilly’s enemy; not only will she be a powerful foe, I just don’t want to lose her.
“Logan, I --” I take a deep breath and cross my fingers before I finish my thought. “I’m not sorry that I kissed you,” I finally blurt out quickly, before I have a chance to think about what I’m saying. I’m just... not.
She's sorry, is she? Is she really? "I'm not sorry for that," I reply, a smile on my lips. I'm not sure if she can hear me smiling, because it is a sad smile, but a true one, too. I'm not sorry she kissed me, besides everything that happened after that kiss, the kiss was still wonderful and I am not sorry for kissing her, neither am I sorry for her kissing me, I'm just sorry it happened how it happened, but for the first kiss it was a good one.
For the first kiss. Would that mean there will be more? Do I want more? Yes. I do. I know I do. Even if I know we shouldn't because look to what it has got us this far, still, it doesn't mean I can't wish for another kiss. Because Veronica's lips were too soft not to want them on my lips once more.
"I kissed you on an impulse, that's true," I admit, and that really is the truth, I kissed her because at the time it seemed as the best thing to do, as the rightest one. "But I didn't break the kiss because I enjoyed it. And so did you." And even if, in the end, that kiss screwed everything up, I am not sorry for kissing her.
I just wish Lilly wouldn't have seen that.
I wonder what would have happened if I had dated Veronica first and never started relationship with Lilly. Where would we be now?
Impulse. Exactly He kissed me on an impuse, which means that it wasn't pre-meditated. We never meant to hurt Lilly, but she'll never see that. Because she doesn't want to. I don't know what Lilly is trying to accomplish, It'd just be nice if she didn't hate us. it'd be even better if she didn't have any reason to, but I can't control my feelings. I can't stop the tingle that goes through me every time I think about Logan now, the way I feel when I hear his voice.
She doesn't care about him anymore; not the way that she used to, and certainly not enough to not cheat on him with Weevil. The hypocrisy is ridiculous and she's not going to be able to hold this against me; I'll be in school Monday, and she won't.
"Some impuse," I answer lightly. I didn't have to kiss him back; I wanted to. I wanted Logan, at that moment, more than I had ever wanted Duncan (and thank God, what with genetics). "So have you..." I pause unhelpfully. "Have you talked to Duncan? I don't think he wants to hear from me, what with... whatever this is."
I still need to know. I need an outline, a definition, something. Because I can't really be thinking about Logan Echolls, not seriously. Not the way that I used to think of Duncan.
Whatever this is. What is it, really? It's not nothing, I think we got that, but what is it? I doubt it's a couple kind of thing as we with Veronica are anything but a couple. It can't be friends kind of thing, because... well, come on! So, what is it, really? Do we have a definition for this? Should we make one?
"Duncan left me a message, but I haven't called him yet," I answer truthfully, but don't add that I picked to call her rather than to call Duncan. Then again, I liked kissing Veronica more. Not that I've kissed Duncan. At least not sober and we never did get caught by his sister. Either one of them. And no one tried to do suicide afterward. This case if very differential, don't you think?
I'd ask if this makes us best of friends now, but really, I doubt we can be friends now, we might be somekind of twisted form of friends, a very twisted one, but not best of, definitely not, what with all the lust and everything. And there is lust, don't doubt that.
"What do we do from now on, Veronica?" I doubt that asking her out would be the right thing to do. Or a smart thing to do. Or anything I should do at all. It would be amusing, though. For a minute or so.
Why do we keep coming back to this? I don't know what's happening, or what we're supposed to do from here on out, so I don't know why we keep asking. "Would pretending this never happened and telling Lilly that what she saw was some sort of drug-induced hallucination be out of the question?" I ask cruelly, annoyed.
I think that if there were a clear option, something that made sense, we'd be doing it already. As it is, I'm not sure that there is any safe option. "I'm sorry," I sigh, tilting my head backward and hearing the sound as my skull reverberates against the wall. "I shouldn't take it out on you."
We're both at fault here. I still want Logan, and whatever I'm feeling just isn't going away. I wonder if Dad will move; he's never been clear on just how much his job as Sheriff of Neptune really means to him, and maybe he'll decide that he needs a change of pace. After all, he has been cuckolded. No man in his right mind would want to stick around after that, right?
Well, right. Maybe my dad, with his nobility and heroics. "I've just... I've never felt like this before."
I ignore the annoyance in her voice as I ignore the question if it's possible to pretend none of this happened, because both of us know it's not and that doesn't matter, what matters is that neither of us know where to go from here, both obviously both of us feels this is different. Different from the usual. Different from how it has been so far.
She never has felt like this before. And neither have I. I'm just not sure if that's a good thing or not. This feeling, it might be good, even if in the end it turns out to the worse, even if everything breaks around us, this feeling might not be all that bad. Doesn't feel all that bad.
But what do we do? Who will answer that as neither of us seems to be able to? Who to turn to? We have each other to ask, no? Even if we can't give the answer. Maybe we really should date, just for the hell of it, just because of lack of doing anything better. Just because of lack of understanding.
"I suppose, we can't just go out on a date, can we?" Would we even want to if we could? I think we would. Or at least I would. Not that I see how could we, with Lilly and Duncan and everyone and everything else we couldn't. Never could make it, could we?
Never to be normal. That's us.
A date? How did we get onto the topic of dates? "Not while Lilly is still breathing." Quite possibly the most wrong that that I have ever said in my entire life, considering how close Lilly was to falling off of that bridge today; but even so. She'll kill us if anything happens, and I could hardly blame her. I... suppose I'd be upset if she started dating Duncan, too.
Okay, wrong thought. Wrong like the dream I was having about Logan before he woke me up, and the thoughts I've been having since he kissed me; maybe before then. "How much more of her wrath are we willing to incur?"
Frankly, I think that if we're going to do this, we should at least go all the way -- but this isn't wholly my decision to make, and he's got a lot invested in this too. Especially if he wants to keep his best friend, which at this point? Is bordering on unlikely.
I won't want to lose Duncan either, but he broke up with me. It's like a mantra in my mind. He broke up with me. And Lilly broke up with Logan. Well. Maybe if we were all a little bit more honest about our emotions, this wouldn't be happening.
"How much more of her wrath are we willing to incur?"
I want to answer that maybe we should try and see how much is much, but with Lilly it would turn out to be too much and I doubt that would be pretty. Not that it will be now, so maybe we should, probably not, but I like to imagine how would it be to date Veronica, if only for few moments before Lilly kills us. And she would.
Lilly's always been sure I am her property and most of the time I really was and if all this wouldn't be as it is I would still be her property, but all these games are getting old but I don't think Lilly sees that. After all, these are her games.
"It might be interesting, you have to admit that," Interesting and surreal, that's what it would be. We couldn't date each other even if we really wanted it. We couldn't because of who we are and who we have dated. Pity thought.
"So, if we can't date and can't pretend it didn't happen, how do we..." How do we what? Keep kissing? Keep making out? Keep allowing each other to have us? What exactly?
How do we keep this from happening again?
For a fleeting moment, I think that maybe it would be better to date Logan after all. After all, if Lilly has her way, I'm going to turn into that slut who made out with her sister's boyfriend -- except Lilly's going to tell a slightly exaggerated version, probably one involving no clothes, swimming pools, and general sluttiness. My reputation as the good girl of our group is seriously in jeopardy, and I'd almost miss it if I cared.
"Interesting doesn't even begin to describe it," I reply in a low voice. I can't really see a problem, not anymore. Not when I know what's going to happen, and Lilly's still got Weevil. She already thinks that there's more between Logan and I than Logan and I can see. "I don't want this to be nothing." I don't want this to not happen again; well, of course I don't want Lilly to make near-death-experiences a regular thing, but I don't want to lose something that I had for all of three and a half minutes.
"Lilly needs to learn that she can't always have what she wants." I'm a Kane, too, so I need to start acting like it. Not that I want to be like Lilly, or like Duncan, either. I just want to be Veronica Mars, and she's not letting me. "What do you want to do, as someone who is not related to Lilly?"
What do I want to do? I doubt, I am given much of a choice, yes, I might not be blood related with Lilly Kane, but that does not mean I have less connection with her than either Duncan or Veronica. Lilly has been a huge part of my life ever since I met the Kane siblings, so I don't think I can do what I want, especially if that doesn't involve Lilly.
"What do I want?" Whatever could I want? I don't think that the right answer is a drink and one night stand, not even sure if that's close to what I really want. But what is it that I want? Her? Which her that would be, that's the question.
Veronica's sweet. She might have changed a lot since when I met her, but she's still sweet and somewhat innocent and that is so damn sexy and attractive that it should be illegal, but then there's Lilly, whose anything like Veronica. Lilly's wild and uses herself as a weapon to get whatever she wants. Whoever she wants. However she wants.
"I'm not sure what I want," That's a honest answer. I am just so out of all of it, that I don't know what I do want. Or what I don't want. I might want for all this never have turned out so, but if it wouldn't have then I would still be running after Lilly, hoping she'd take me back. I don't want that now. I suppose, I should thank Veronica for that.
"The things I want rarely happens, anyway, so it doesn't matter."
This is pathetic. Lilly is still controlling us and she’s hardly qualified to run our lives from a hospital bed, a fixed reminder that she can barely live for herself anymore. We didn’t put here there; I know that Lilly wouldn’t admit it if we had. She’s stubborn and this indecision is what Lilly wanted.
“Stop playing the victim,” I order, immediately regretting it. Who am I to tell Logan what to do or how to act? I’m not his mother and I’m not Lilly, whose name feels italicised even in my thoughts. “Lilly doesn’t always get to win,” I add, trying to think of a single instance where she hadn’t gotten me, or Logan, or Duncan to succumb to her desires.
It’s useless, of course. But how is it fair? It goes against the law of averages, for one thing. Occasionally our combined voices should have stood up against her insistence, so why hadn’t it ever? “She’s with Weevil now.” Perhaps I’m adding insult to injury, but what? I’m supposed to apologize for pointing out the obvious?
She was so sure about Weevil anyway. He loved her. He wasn’t Logan. Not being Logan, as far as I could tell, was his best quality. Still, I forge on, not even really thinking about what I’m saying as the words tumble out of my mouth. “But I know how much you love her, so... I’ll understand if you want to try and get her back. I suggest you grovel.”
Funny. Even I can’t tell if I’m sarcastic or serious.
“Stop playing the victim,”
I'm playing one? Yes, probably, she always have been good at noticing stuff, so maybe she's right and I am playing the victim, but then again, I really don't feel like a victim, just confused, but not a victim. Lilly doesn't always win? Well, I guess so, everything has it's first time, right? So maybe Lilly won't find, though, isn't it hard to lose in your own game if all the rules are written by your hand?
“But I know how much you love her, so... I’ll understand if you want to try and get her back. I suggest you grovel.”
I smile sadly at that. Oh, yes, Lilly would honestly go for groveling, she would first, of course, make a huge drama act of it, but in the end take me back. If I asked her for hundreds of time. But that truthfully is not what I plan to do. Neither asking nor groveling is.
"I don't," I tell Veronica honestly. "Want to try and get her back that is. I do love her, always have, probably, always will, but I am not planning on getting her back. We're over, Veronica, me and Lilly. It's over." It feels so weird for the first time to say it out loud to anyone but myself and Lilly, if I even did tell her that, or was that her? Still, it's true. I know it.
And the world hasn't stopped.
Ever since Lilly and Logan started dating, the pattern has always been the same; no matter what's happened, they've always gotten back together. Breaking up has been as much of their relationship as the relationship itself, and if they're not getting back together... well, let's just say that life is going to be a little bit different around Neptune.
Still. It doesn't mean that he wants me either. "Oh." There's a long pause and the silence is palpable. I can hear the fuzzy static on the line between us, so soft that it's barely there -- but still. "Well."
The best move would probably be to forget about this, all of it -- Logan and I can add up to nothing good, but that doesn't mean anything. The four of us, even when we were all together, when Duncan and Lilly and I still didn't know anything... even then, the numbers were still off.
This might be as perfect as we're going to get. "I don't want to do this over the phone," I finally add. This can't be done this way, I have to see him -- and it's quite possibly the worst idea I've ever had in my life.
Aside from going to Logan in the first place, of course. Aside from kissing him. Aside from everything else.
She doesn’t want to talk about this over the phone. I get that, but doesn’t she get it that over the phone it’s the safest for both of us? Whoever knows what would and will happen when we’re eye to eye. This is too twisted to be reality, to be real even. I’m not getting back with Lilly that itself is twisted enough, don’t you think? Me and her not being together. That’s the end of the world. Or at least an era.
Do I want to change Lilly to Veronica? Truthfully? I don’t know. I do like Veronica, of course, who wouldn’t? Still, I love Lilly and even though I can not see us moving over this whatever this has been, I am not sure I am ready to move on. To move to Veronica. To be with her.
Though, I don’t know if I don’t want it, either.
Yes, indeed, I am not very clear on my thoughts and feeling, obviously, I guess, that’s part of what Lilly meant when she told me that Veronica will never understand me and once she gets to know me, the me Lilly knows, she will drop me like something that’s burning her fingers. Lilly, after all, always is right, is she not?
“Do you want to come over?” It’s pretty obvious that my brain does not work together with my mouth, isn’t it? I shouldn’t be asking Veronica over, but that’s the exact thing I am doing. Why? Because I am not the sane one in this due, definitely not.